The power of healing
A serene smile lights up Tammy’s face as she performs an Indian head massage on another woman. A recent holistic beauty therapy graduate, Tammy can’t wait to try out her skills when she joins a salon next month. There’s one thing that separates Tammy from other therapists. She’s learnt her craft while serving a sentence at Peterborough Prison. Her client this morning is another prisoner, rather than a member of the public, and when the bell rings, she has to return to her cell.
Until recently there was little in Tammy’s life worth celebrating. Her horrific childhood was followed by a destructive adulthood. The former heroin addict had hit rock bottom by the time she arrived at Peterborough Prison, convicted of robbery.
Three years on, she’s ditched the drugs, gained new qualifications and is determined to make a fresh start.
Tammy says: “I owe so much to this prison. For the first time I’ve felt loved. These people have got compassion and understanding. I’m going to turn my life around if it’s the last thing I do.”
A nightmare childhood
Some of Tammy’s earliest memories involve her alcoholic dad battering her mum. At the age of six, Tammy was physically, sexually and emotionally abused, experiences she’d blocked out until seeking counselling decades later.
She recalls being forced to sit in a bath full of cold water and having her head submerged, a punishment that still haunts her.
She says: “Even now I can’t swim – I’m terrified of water.”
A few years later Tammy’s mum fled to a refuge for battered women, following a severe beating that left her hospitalised. Tammy and her siblings lived with her at the shelter. Tammy initially denied she’d also been abused, despite a doctor’s examination proving the opposite.
“I was so scared. We all had welt marks on us.”
Following a trial, Tammy’s father was convicted of child abuse and jailed for three years.
Tammy says: “I remember writing to him in different coloured pencils. I was wishing for a dad – but not the dad I had.”
Turbulent teenage years
Tammy was 15 when her dad was released from prison. He tracked down her mum’s address and broke into the family home. Shortly after he moved back in.
Tammy recalls coming home from school one day to find her drunken dad passed out on the sofa, clutching a knife in his hand.
“There were knife marks carved into the plaster board in the kitchen with our names and my mum’s name.”
Tammy’s terrified mother fled out of the area with her children to escape her abusive husband. Shortly after they found out he’d died of a heart attack. Attending his cremation was a surreal experience, Tammy says.
“I had to pretend to be upset. Inside I was thinking, ‘I’m free’.”
Despite her father’s death, Tammy’s troubles were far from over. “Mum started drinking after dad died. I had to look after the children.”
At the age of 16, Tammy got married to “escape” her tragic home life. The couple had two children together but after three years, the relationship broke down, a factor she largely attributes to her youth.
“He was a good father but I was too young. I loved being a mum – absolutely loved it. But I wasn’t keen on my mum seeing my children because she was drinking really, really heavily at this point.”
Dangerous liaisons
At the age of 21, Tammy fell in love again – to her detriment. She and her new partner, Dave, had a child together, despite the relationship being far from ideal.
She says: “Dave was very controlling. He was always talking down to me.”
When the relationship became violent, Tammy turned to booze to escape her harsh reality.
“I left home at one point because he beat me really badly.”
It was at this time that Tammy got her first criminal conviction – for benefit fraud. As it was her first offence, she was given a community penalty.
Assault conviction
It wasn’t long before Tammy racked up a second conviction – this time for assault.
While Tammy was out working, Dave snatched their baby son from her mother’s house. It took nine months and a court order before Tammy received full custody of her boy.
A fortnight later, Tammy left her son at a friend’s house so she could attend a funeral. When she returned to find him abducted, she punched her friend. Her actions earned her an assault conviction.
Tammy says: “My emotional balance had completely gone. All I knew was that my son had gone and she was meant to be in charge. I know punching her was the wrong thing to do.”
It wasn’t long before Tammy’s spiralling booze addiction led to further brush-ins with the law. “I got several arrests for drunk and disorderly.”
A marriage made in hell
At the age of 24, Tammy married Dave – a major mistake, she says. “I know it sounds crazy but I was so scared that he was going to take my son.”
She’d feared that her alcohol addiction would led to Dave gaining custody of their child. The marriage only lasted five months.
“He cheated on me.”
Shortly after leaving Dave, Tammy saw his new girlfriend in a pub. She says the woman insulted her before glassing her in the face. Tammy was badly injured and needed plastic surgery.
“For 18 months I was stuck at home. I couldn’t go out with that on my face. It gave me the perfect excuse to drink. I felt sorry for myself. I wasn’t even half a mum then.”
The biggest loss
Tammy’s worst moment came when she lost custody of her two oldest children to their father. Even now, her eyes well up with tears as she recalls the pain.
“I was heartbroken like you wouldn’t believe. The police came knocking on my door. I said, ‘I can’t do it, I can’t’. I didn’t want to cause a scene because my boys had seen enough but I didn’t want to hand them over.”
She fails to hold back tears as she recounts seeing her children being driven away in a police car. “That used to haunt me, that did.”
Because the children lived out of the area, she didn’t get to see them often.
“My boys thought I’d abandoned them. I haven’t loved anything so much as I loved my boys. I just wish I’d got help.”
From bad to worse
Things turned from bad to worse for Tammy. She moved to a new housing estate with her youngest son, consumed by loneliness and despair.
Then she befriended Tom, unaware he was hooked on heroin. She’d hang out at his house while he and his mates “chased the dragon” (inhaled heroin).
Tammy says: “I didn’t know what it was. I’d never seen drugs before. Cigarettes and alcohol was all I’d ever done. His friends used to look so relaxed and so peaceful.”
Shortly after, Tammy, then 28, started a relationship with Tom. One day, she stole his heroin and copied what she’d seen him doing.
“I threw up and felt terrible. But the feeling I got after that was so overwhelming. No problems whatsoever. I felt so confident. In my crazed mind I was going to get my kids back. When Tom got home he went mad with me.”
That didn’t stop her from becoming addicted to smack. Five weeks later, she gave up her job as a carer for disabled children. “I resigned from work and told them why. They were shocked. I couldn’t have it on my conscience if anything happened to these kids.”
Bad stuff
Tammy’s addiction worsened. Soon she’d lost custody of her youngest son and was regularly shoplifting to fund her habit. “That’s when the bad stuff started happening.”
The next decade passed in a haze. Tammy spent much of it in and out of jail, mostly for committing credit card fraud and theft.
In 2003 she was jailed for robbery after admitting she stole a handbag from an elderly victim.
Tammy says: “I don’t remember doing it. That’s no excuse. That to me is the lowest of lowest that anyone can get.”
At the time Tammy was on prescribed painkillers for a broken leg. She was also drinking, so can’t remember what happened on the day in question. While she’s still unsure she committed the robbery, she says she pleaded guilty to spare the victim from going to court.
Tammy was jailed for three years but had to serve additional time because she was out on license when the crime was committed.
Peterborough Prison
Three years ago, Tammy was transferred to Peterborough Prison – and it changed her life. Amy Leverton, the supervisor of The Bridge Holistic Therapy Centre at the prison, encouraged her to train as a holistic beauty therapist.
The Bridge is the brainchild of prison director Mike Conway, who introduced the scheme to boost prisoners’ confidence and reduce self-harm.
Tammy, now in her 40s, says: “I got an A plus in my first ever exam. Amy really pushed me – she’s kept me positive.”
For the past two years, Tammy’s also volunteered as a listener for The Samaritans, helping other prisoners cope with their problems.
Since being admitted to Peterborough, Tammy’s been regularly drug tested. She’s been clean throughout. She takes full responsibility for her past actions.
Late last year, Tammy was awarded a diploma in holistic beauty therapy by the College Guild of Graduates. She can now practise reflexology, massage, aromatherapy, reiki healing and other therapies.
Tammy’s due for release at the end of May 2008 and already has a job lined up at a salon. She also plans to study counselling so that she can help others.
She says: “I want people to get the help they need at the first opportunity – not 20 years later when they’ve taken drugs and been to prison and hurt people along the way.”
- April 2008